THE SHOW

6.15.09

Starting a Relationship with Sex: Running the Bases Backwards

We all know the baseball metaphors for sex, like "made it to second" or "hit a home run." A timely progression in relationships used to be expected. Not anymore, as we hear from these young women.

[7 min 47 secs]

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Podcast Transcript

We’ve all heard the baseball metaphors for sex, like “made it to second,” or “hit a home run.” Years ago, as a girl ran the bases, she anticipated a certain progression in the relationship. (at least, some girls did.) Guys might try to skip a base or two and it was up to her to foil their often-clumsy attempts.

Well, that scenario is not so common anymore…. These days, sex frequently happens before anything resembling a relationship. Is this a good thing? A bad thing?

Welcome to “sex. Really.” A new bi-weekly podcast—it’s a place to share stories about sex and love, to ask questions, talk, rant and laugh.

I’m laura sessions stepp and in this podcast we’re talking about “running the bases backwards”.

Today we’ll hear from two young women who took off from home base. One says she’s happy about the way things worked out. The other says putting sex first eventually left her feeling hurt - and mad at herself for feeling that way.

Amanda: My name is Amanda and I live in L.A.

Amanda first heard about the bases in 2nd grade, from her teenage babysitter.

Amanda: She said “First, it’s like this,” and she put the Barbies mouths together. And then she took Ken’s hand and put it on Barbie’s boob, and then she had Barbie kneel down onto Ken for third base, and then they just clinked like heck for home. And you just kind of put a tissue over them and said, “Okay, they’re sleeping together now it’s done.”

Laura: And so, as a second grader, what did you think about all that?

Amanda: I honestly didn’t think much of it. I don’t know. It didn’t give me much of an idea like-“Oh, I wanna do this,” or anything. Because it was an adult situation from what I’d heard. She just explained it, what it was.

Laura: When did it start to mean something to you?

Amanda: I think when I was 15 I had my first serious boyfriend and we started dating. And every step was taken cautiously.

Laura: So you ran the bases pretty slowly, it sounds like.

Amanda: Yeah I did, when I was 15, I did. I think things change when you get a little bit older—people have different expectations. For some, sex becomes more casual and, you know, less important. And they kind of just wanna get there already. It’s not really important to follow the bases. So, at the time- yeah, I was definitely step-by-step.

Laura: Tell me how you met the guy you’re going out with now.

Amanda: My boyfriend and I met at work. One weekend, he asked me to go o Vegas. I thought we could either become really good friends, or this could just be awkward afterwards. And that was our first date—a weekend in Vegas. And surprisingly nothing happened. He was a gentleman. He held my hand occasionally, when no one was looking. And then the next weekend I invited him over to watch a movie…and we didn’t watch the movie. It started off with a kiss, and the kiss turned into sex eventually. And by eventually I mean like, an hour later.

Laura: So you didn’t—you weren’t in a relationship, as you would define it?

Amanda: No. No, no, no, no. Definitely, not.

Laura: And after the sex what did you say to each other? How did you feel about him?

Amanda: It was surprisingly different from the other people that I had had sex with, because I was satisfied in the end. I finished; he finished. We were both happy with it. Even though we didn’t date or really run the bases as traditional sense would go, my heart has to be in it. And going from kissing to having sex that night— I was okay with it. And it ended up in the best way it could.

Laura: And he felt the same way?

Amanda: I think so. We’re still together.

Some young women, like amanda, are lucky. Their hookup buddies become their honeys. But it doesn’t always work out that way, as we hear from our next guest, marissa, a college sophomore in chicago.

While still a senior in high school, marissa went to home base with a guy about a month after she met him.

Marissa: I don’t even know that I necessarily thought it was that big of a deal until a couple of times into it.

It only became a big deal after they had been hanging out for a few months, and marissa realized she had feelings for him that he didn’t have for her. She explained this to me in an email.

Laura: Marissa, do you have that email?

Marissa: Yeah.

Laura: So there’s a part on the first page I’d like you to read, if you could.

Marissa: Ok. When you are the girlfriend, you have the right to get angry when he doesn’t make time for you, but when you are just a “friend with benefits,” things like that aren’t suppose to bother you, so I could never bring them up for fear that he would end it right away when he realized I started to have feelings. Something is better than nothing, right? He has hurt me more than he’ll ever know. But now I realize the importance of a relationship.

Laura: So you were trying to read him, and he wasn’t being very verbal about it?

Marissa: Yeah. Part of it was I didn’t him well enough to read how he would feel about it. There would have been no way of knowing how he felt without asking him and I never asked.

Laura: Lets pretend you’re the girl that you were back when you first met him. Think about yourself now talking to that girl. What would you tell yourself back then, knowing what you know now?

Marissa: As much as I don’t regret having sex with him, I wouldn’t have had to go through all the hurt that I felt from him if I would’ve just waited to be in a real relationship. There wouldn’t have been the confusion or anything else. So I would just say, for the first time, just wait for it to be in a real relationship.

Laura: Have you had a chance to act on that now?

Marissa: I haven’t been in a real relationship.

Laura: But you’re hopeful?

Marissa: It’s easier said than done.

Marissa raises a good point. One problem with taking off from home base is this: if you start to feel attached, you may not know your partner well enough to tell him that.

You’re afraid you’ll scare him away if you bring up that dreaded word “feelings”. So you say nothing…. Which can make you feel…just bad -- about yourself, your partner and even the sex.

Writer penny wrenn makes a similar point in a recent issue of glamour magazine. Wrenn says she’s spent a lot of her romantic life “dating in bed.” But she’s come up with five reasons to slow down.

What’s number one?

“because you’ll have better sex.”

We hope you’ll share your stories about dating. Send us an email, find us on facebook, or join the discussion on our blog at www.sexreally.com.

I’m laura sessions stepp, this is sex really, and we’ll be back in two weeks with an episode about nice guys, and if they really do finish last.

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What Do You Think?

What Others Have Said...

Anonymous says:

The podcast says that if you don't jump to sex on the first date you'll have better sex. I'm not sure that is generally true. Certainly guys and girls experience this differently. And is relationship sex really better than new sex? Not from what I've heard. Sex at the start of a relationship is often has an unbeatable newness. And certainly there is some inner drive that pushes many men to at least think about a constant stream of new sex partners. There are many reasons to delay sex, and to be faithful and focus on relationships sex, but the idea that it will generally lead to better sex sounds unfounded to me.

Anonymous says:

I really agree with having a relationship with a person before having sex. I have been in a friends with benefits relationship, it was hard for me. I cared so much about this person and wanted to be with him, but if he knew how I felt he might freak out and run off. In the long run I was the person getting hurt not him.

Asarai says:

Maybe it wouldn't my generation to listen to Ms. Stepp. We have tons of unwanted pregnancies, 1 in 4 people under 25 get an STD. Ms. Stepp crusaded for women’s rights so we could have more control of our sexuality and it turns out that women don’t know how to take control of it. We keep getting hurt. And now we have so many notches on our belt that we’re ashamed to tell our significant other how many guys it was before him. I know I am. I know my friends are. I know we’re tired of feeling used, like men don’t want us for something more. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to listen to Ms. Stepp since she has a successful marriage and has been down the same path.

Asarai says:

In regards to Ms. Stepp's age, I believe this gives her more leverage to give advice. She might come from a different generation, but that's what makes her viewpoint interesting. I look at my generation ( I am 20) and I see how sex is misused. I have had my fair share of one night stands. So have several of my friends. And let's be honest, most of us regret it. I know when I get in a serious relationship one day I dont' want to tell my partner how many partners I have had before him. Ms. Stepp crusaded for women's rights and was part of a movement that gave us the opportunity to be more in control of our sexuality, but now my generation has totally abused it and people don't have relationships. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to listen to someone who has been down the road we have and also has a successful marriage. If I would have listened to people Ms. Stepp I probably would have made a lot less mistakes.

Anonymous says:

i think this website helps young women who want to get pregnant but they need a voice of reason and they dont want to talk to there parents.

Coolmommy says:

I will tell you what I know about sex, relationships and kids.

On Sex: First, find out what YOU like sexually. Don't just lay there and let a guy do his thing. You will end satisfied and the guy will be happy having pleased you. If he doesn't do it right, tell him what to do and make him do it until he gets it right. Guys need to be trained. Every woman likes something different. Also find what they like and decide if you both enjoy a similar style and if you enjoy his style of lovemaking.

On relationships: Sex is powerful. YOU also hold power in having something guys want. Use this to your advantage. Don't make yourself easy and cheap. Make the guy work for you. Again, find out what you really like and want. Make him meet your expectations. Again, guys need to be trained. Don't assume they know what you want. Teach them. Also, have them tell you what they would like so you may please each other. If they can't communicate effectively, they are not mature enough for a relationship.

On kids: Kids are adorable. They are really easy to raise AT FIRST. Even getting up in the middle of the night isn't all that bad. Kids need attention. There are also many laws governing how you raise your children. Kids need love, attention and affection. Also, they need food, clothes and a safe place to live. Wait to have kids until you can at least provide for thier basic needs. With kids, comes people judging you and sticking thier nose in your business. Everyone will think they can parent better than you. This is the hardest part. If you can deal with those critical meddling people in the world, lucky you! Remember you have to keep everything decent enough or someone could call and take your kid(s) away! Be prepared to raise a kid on your own. Don't assume the father will stick around. If he does, great! But make sure to have a backup plan just in case he does so you can provide for your child. One or two kids is not very hard, but if you love babies and dream of a big family, don't keep having kids to try to secure a man or create a dream in this way. It is much better to wait for that really sexy guy with that sense of humor and, well, everything you are looking for.

My advice: Get to REALLY know yourself well and communicate that very clearly. And use a condom EVERY time. Don't waste your life on a not-so-special guy!!!

Anonymous says:

Both viewpoints are shown here, in talking with two girls who had two different experiences, but there is clearly a bias towards one viewpoint - that girls should take it slower.

summer munoz says:

hi i have had the iud for about one year now,i would said that i really like it i hardley ever have a poride but the thing is that im going to have to get it took out because its causeing cist on my right overy so i cant keep it but i really like it other than that i highly recamend it too anyone you cant even feel it and u dont have to worry about chaning anything or remember takeing a pill everyday!!!!
thanks summer

monica says:

listeing to the young ladies' stories left me with many thoughts. i am not so chronologically old as to be "from way back". teenagers know everything that there is to know; but when the bottom falls out, or is about to, there is no hesitatation to come running scared and begging for help. i am asking to all of those young pople faced with making a very, very enormous, mssive decision to think and make a decision with which you can live. think with your mind and common sense and not immediate feelings and urges; an impulsive decision can be lfe-altering, and life-threatenig, too. be strong. be confident. know who is for real and who isn't. much safety & peace & strength to all ~m.

Sclaire says:

Oh this is stupid. I started a relationship with sex. We've been married for 20 years. When it's right, it's right. The sex was the finishing touch in our relationship, we just started with it because we were that hungry for each other. Why is it my job anyway to decide what happens when? What happens when I want it more than he does?

Phalene says:

Unimpressed with Stepp. Tired, old fashioned cliches meshed with an attempt at edgy, hip sex ed make my teeth hurt.

Anonymous says:

Oh, dear. Sadly, no one is going to be able to take this site seriously because of who's running it. I don't want some sexist old woman who thinks it's still 1956 telling me how to manage my relationships. The world is better now than it has ever been before, and no where is this truer than when it comes to sexual freedom. After all, why would you want to date someone if you didn't know they were good in the sack? Yeah, well, regardless of my own opinions and how widely they're shared among my peer group, I doubt I'll be the only one looking elsewhere for decent advice on sex and relationships.

Wendi says:

I like the idea of having a place where 20 somethings can talk about sex, but where are the resources? I like the real stories, but I feel like there is something missing. Who are the agencies out there that can help with some of the problems these people are experiencing or talking about?

Susannah says:

Love the play bars that show the progress of the podcast!!