Sex Ed and What's Missing

Welcome to Sex, Really. I’m Laura Sessions Stepp. This week we’re going to be talking about sex education— what we learned, what we wish we had learned, and what’s still missing from the conversation.

Deserie: I learned from friends than I did from my parents or school about sex

Jamal: They used to have the banana- put the condom on the banana and stuff like that. That was kinda gross.

Amanda: I definitely watched enough Lifetime movies about pregnancy to know to be careful.

Milton: They were showing a bunch of slides of STDs and horrible things.

Jennifer: It was kinda awkward, because everybody’s like in 6th grade. Like- oh, okay.

Whether we get it from home, school, friends or youtube, there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of information out there. But sex information isn’t necessarily sex education. It’s like teaching nutrition: we know that eating too much leads to weight problems and heart disease, but it’s tough to resist a rich, latte grande…or mom’s pound cake. Just like it’s tough to resist the hot guy with his hand on your knee.

We’ve all seen the videos.

Sex ed clip: Modern society has lost its fear to the point of carelessness. And the monster— venereal disease—continues as a modern heritage.

But learning about genital warts, or the most recent birth control methods—as important as those things are—isn’t going to guarantee that we always make the right decision.

Chia: No matter what you tell people about how to protect themselves, they’ll give you a reason why you shouldn’t do it.

That’s 22-year-old Chia Schonberg, on the phone with us from Westchester, NY. Chia has an internet radio show, called: “gettin kinky with Chia.”

Laura: Chia, this particular podcast is about what young people know and don’t know about sex. So, tell us a little bit about what they don’t know.

Chia: Well, I think most really don’t know the deeper things about it. They know AIDS or STDS, but they don’t understand that you can’t really separate – as much as people would like to—separate, emotional and physical. It’s impossible to separate in the act of sex.

Laura: It is very complicated topic. People think of it as a simple act, with simple emotions, and it’s anything but that.

Chia: You know sex is one of the things in life that includes every part of you. And that’s what’s great about it, and that’s what also makes it kind of difficult.

There really isn’t anything simple about sex. And so Sex Ed needs to be equally complex. It needs to help you know how to learn from the unexpected, how to pay attention to your mind—as well as your body and heart.

Let’s listen now to a couple of young women, who learned these things at home. First Michelle, a student at George Washington University.

Michelle: I mean I think it’s difficult to teach the emotional and intimate parts of sex, but personally I know my parents have been really helpful. My dad’s my doctor, which kind of makes it helpful— and a little awkward sometimes. But I remember my mom said to me—I have a boyfriend now, and we had broken up for a month—and she just really acknowledged how difficult it is to break up with someone when you’ve had sex. And it doesn’t have to be graphic, it doesn’t have to be, you know, awkward from mom to kid, but I think that it’s really helpful to acknowledge it, and the implications it has on a relationship.

Staphney, in Santa Ana, California, also had great conversations with her mother:

Staphney: She explained to me how my body was going to be changing as a woman. And since she talked to me very nurturingly and very educationally, I started to see that as a form that it was okay to talk to her about what was going on in my life. And it just got larger as more topics came up and especially regarding sex and relationships.

Staphney and Michelle happened to draw good hands. They had parents who wanted to talk to them about sex. But most young people are at the mercy of the school system.

Here’s Cara, in Washington DC—

Cara: Our sex ed was very skewed and not realistic at all. We basically just kind of talked about like, you have to be married, you have to be in love. They didn’t really go into any actual details of what happens. It was not good.

EMILY : We didn’t really have sex ed in my school, we had Health—you know, in quotations.

Just like Cara, Emily found some serious gaps in her sex education.

EMILY : I don’t really remember learning anything in that class. And I learned most of what I know from my friends…and I still don’t know if some of it is misinformation or not.

Let’s take this topic a bit farther. What we’ve talked about so far is what some might call a “beware of sex” approach: sex can make you pregnant, sick, and broken-hearted.

All of those things are true, of course. Using birth control every single time you have sex is important. So is protecting yourself from disease and heartbreak.

But something is missing, girls tell me.

Here’s Annie:

Annie: In this country we really make sex a dirty word and a dirty thing, and I don’t understand why we’re so tight about talking with our children about it. It shouldn’t be like that. Sex should be something that kids grow up, with knowing that it’s not bad. I mean, I think as sexual as our society is, like they take away women’s sexuality a lot from them. It’s not a dirty thing, I think it’s a beautiful thing and I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of talking about it, listening about it, or having it.

A couple of final thoughts --

When it comes to sex education, the buck is constantly being passed. Parents rely on schools, and teachers say it’s really the parents’ job.

Meanwhile, unplanned pregnancies are increasing, the rate of STDs in women ages 15 to 24 is rising. And who knows how many young people are feeling more than a little stressed about their love lives.

If you’re a young woman, maybe it’s up to you to do more of the teaching. Maybe you continue to educate yourself, and then teach other. Maybe – and here’s an idea i really like - you become the adult whom kids talk to. You start the conversation right now, with a younger sibling, cousin or neighbor.

In a sex-saturated culture, you may be our best hope for a sex-and-love-smart, next generation.

We’d like you to be a part of this podcast. Email us your ideas, contact us on our blog, at www.sexreally.com.

I’m Laura Sessions Stepp. This is Sex.Really.we’ll be back in two weeks with an episode about “Model Moments”—the interactions we observe between other couples that shape—for better and worse—our own goals for picking a partner.