Relationship Obituaries

[Sex.Really. Montage]

Jeremy: So this card is covered in glitter….

Mary: Oh, there’s a squirrel on it. I love squirrels!

Jeremy: And it says: “It’s Valentines Day, wanna do something?” On the inside the squirrel opens his arms and says, “I’m something.”

Mary: Ew!

Jeremy: Dirty squirrel!

Mary: To me, nothing says I love you like a furry woodland creature.

Jeremy: That’s love.

LAURA: That’s Mary and Jeremy, two singles in their twenties who live in DC, reading some of their favorite Valentine’s Day cards this season.

Jeremy: This card says: “Darlin’, you never done me wrong. Every time you done me, you got it just right. Happy Valentines Day sweet thang!”

Jeremy: I predict that this card sells well.

Mary: Really?

Jeremy: Absolutely. There’s a market for: “Darlin you never done me wrong, every time you done me, you got it just right.”

Mary: Alright. Fair enough.

LAURA: Jeremy’s right-- is a market every silly, sappy sentiment on Valentines Day. Hallmark has made a mint on bad poetry and suggestive puns – their cards just one more bit of proof that humans are pair-bonding creatures.

We naturally seek others to hold us, kiss us, and even laugh at our bad cards.

However, when that bond of affection breaks apart, it can be so painful that it takes years to recover.

I’m Laura Sessions Stepp and this is Sex Really. Our guest today knows all about heartbreak . Two years ago, right before Valentine’s Day, she launched a website to help others deal with love gone bad. Her name is Kathleen Horan.

Kathleen is reporter at public radio station WNYC in New York. After a long-term boyfriend broke up with her, Kathleen wrote an obituary for their relationship. She described how the relationship began and ended, the cause of death and the survivors. Writing an obit helped her so much, she started a website for people to write their own. She named it relationshipobit.com, and recently, gathered the obits together in a book called—not surprisingly—Relationship Obits: The Final Resting Place for Love Gone Wrong.

LAURA: Okay, I’m going to get started just by asking you—how did you get the idea for relationship obituaries?

KATHLEEN: The idea came out of my life experience. My long-term boyfriend and I broke up after three years. He broke up with me and I really didn’t see it coming. And then two weeks later my dad died, so there was this wrecking ball of loss that came through. I was surprised how similar they felt. Obviously my boyfriend wasn’t my father, but that love and that feeling of it being snatched away—the feeling that he was dead to me, that he had to die to me for me to get over him is some ways. As I was writing my father’s obituary, I kept getting the feeling that I should be writing another one and the feeling just wouldn’t go away. It was one of those feelings that just nagged at me until I finally did it.

LAURA: And tell us about how you did it, describe that for us.

KATHLEEN: At first I just took some notes. I tried to see the relationship as an observer. I wanted, if anyone did read it,--I wasn’t sure if I would show anyone—I wanted them to maybe not know who wrote it, which side. I wanted to be very specific about why they loved each other, about why there was a life there before it died. And about the cause of death. I thought the cause of death was really important—more important in a relationship obituary than in a regular obituary. Usually in a regular obit, you begin with the cause of death, but it’s really about the life, and in a relationship obituary I think a big part of the process is trying to find out why it died. Why? Why? Why?

LAURA: Did writing the obituary help you get some distance from it and see what had happened?

KATHLEEN: Immensely, although it took me a little to actually be able to write it. I was still just trying to wake up, have a few bodily functions in between some projectile crying and then go back to sleep. And that’s the thing about this project. Eventually I got so curious about all these other people who are walking around messed up like this. So I started the web site. And this site launched the day before Valentines Day two years ago.

LAURA: Was that deliberate on your part, to launch it right before Valentines Day?

KATHLEEN: It was. It just seemed like the right time. And so we’re having our second annual Wake for Love this year. We’re going to have a coffin where people will discard things that remind them of their X. And we’re going to have a Relationship Obit open mic night as well. And all the items put in the coffin will be displayed at the city Reliquary Museum as well.

LAURA: And where is this all going to take place?

KATHLEEN: This is in Brooklyn.

LAURA: And what has the response been?

KATHLEEN: It’s been intense—thousands of obits and even more visitors. People from all over the world, all different languages, have posted their stories, their obituaries.

LAURA: Well, it gives people a chance to put some form around their grief, which is just a great idea. How do you know for sure when it’s time to break-up with someone? Obviously in this case, your boyfriend started the process, but it can be just as painful if you have to do it, right?

KATHLEEN: It can. And, you know, he is a good guy. It’s not like only terrible people break-up with people. It nagged him for a while, and that’s what happens, it nags you for a while. You get some feelings of feeling like it’s an uphill battle, like you’re working in a coal mine when you’re actually just going out to dinner with someone—these are some tell-tale signs.

LAURA: These are sort of like the stages of grief, right?

KATHLEEN: Very much like the stages of grief. You can have some stages while you get the feeling that you should be breaking up, but certainly afterwards—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

LAURA: What do you mean by bargaining?

KATHLEEN: Bargaining. Magical thinking. Saying, “If he could just— blank— then this would be fine.” You know—that kind of thing. Thinking that you can change them, or that the situation can change just by wanting it to, or just from loving them. Is love enough? That kind of thing. And I hate to tell you—it might not always be.

LAURA: Is it a bad idea to jump into another relationship right away?

KATHLEEN: It’s not advised for a reason. There is a reason it’s called the rebound. I think certainly there are stories of people who have met someone after a break-up and things have gone great, but for the most part, I think if you surveyed twenty people on the street, nineteen would say, hell no.

LAURA: Right. Now, you have obviously read all the obits that come in. Were there any that surprised you?

KATHLEEN: I was very surprised by a number of them. There is one from 1963. This is a guy this woman dated for two weeks in 1963. She still hasn’t gotten over him.

LAURA: Good gosh, that’s a long time ago.

KATHLEEN: That was very surprising to me; that for whatever reason there are some people that come through your life that are just very hard to let go of. Or if you didn’t get a chance to grieve them, like any loss, it’s going to stay calcified; it’s going to be trapped in amber in your heart. That’s one barf-bag of a statement, but you know what I mean. Do you want to hear it?

LAURA: Sure, please!

KATHLEEN: Tom and Paula, born February 1, 1963. Died February 14, 1963. We met at a party. The girl hosting it got drunk. He didn’t, I didn’t. We talked. He told me he was having knee surgery; I visited him in the hospital. I have not seen him since the day he came to my house, broke up with me and left. In those days it just wasn’t right for the girl to go after the guy, and I apparently didn’t have the guts to try to tell him to be truthful with me, to try and see if we could fix whatever was wrong. I don’t know if he is still around, or is married, kids and family. How deeply did I feel for him? After several years, I got married and named my son Tom.

LAURA: Oh my gosh!

KATHLEEN: Yeah.

LAURA: What’s the worst or one of the worst break-up stories you’ve ever heard?

KATHLEEN: There are so many. But one of them is in the book here. This couple met in Iraq, and talk about not wanting to deal with breaking up with someone—this guy faked his own death so he wouldn’t have to break-up with this woman.

LAURA: What? Unbelievable.

KATHLEEN: Yes.

LAURA: What are some of the things breaking-up teach us?

KATHLEEN: Of course it teaches us about ourselves. I mean, all roads lead back to you. We can say it’s them, them, them, but oftentimes people date the same kind of person. And so partnership is just that—you have a partner, you have a friend, you have a lover, but you always have to deal with your own crap. And I think for me, realizing that has really changed my idea of being in a relationship, and it’s freed me up a little bit.

LAURA: Have you evolved out of that one relationship into seeing yourself as a whole-er creature, if I can use that word?

KATHLEEN: Absolutely. Break-ups, of course they teach us about loss. And it’s funny now that it has been three years since my break-up, you also see the process of renewal, regeneration, and about how you’re willing to do it all over again. I compared it to childbirth—that you can forget how bad it was, and get knocked up again. So, you know, I’ve gotten knocked up again with love. A nd you feel like a real happy idiot to do it all over again.

LAURA: “A happy idiot to do it over again.” Kathleen’s not alone on that front. And that’s the amazing thing—come next February, plenty of us will be back at the greeting card counter, buying a Valentine, and hoping someone else is shelling out a few bucks for us as well.

I’m Laura Sessions Stepp and this is Sex.Really. Visit us again in two weeks for an episode on dating violence. We’ll talk to victims, explore new research, and look at new, and sometimes controversial, campaigns to stop the abuse.