Confronting Dating Violence

LAURA: AT FIRST, SARAH, A HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORE, WAS FLATTERED BY HER NEW BOYFRIEND’S QUESTIONS. HE’D ASK THINGS LIKE, “WHO’S THAT GUY I SAW YOU TALKING TO IN THE HALL? WHERE WERE YOU LAST SATURDAY WHEN I TRIED TO CALL YOU”?

HOW COOL, SARAH THOUGHT. HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH ME. HE MUST REALLY LIKE ME! THEN ONE DAY AT SCHOOL, HE THREW HER AGAINST A LOCKER. AND JUST LIKE THAT, WHAT HAD BEGUN AS A FAIRY-TALE ROMANCE WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL STAR TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.

I’M LAURA SESSIONS STEPP AND THIS IS SEX.REALLY.

ACCORDING TO A GOVERNMENT STUDY, ONE OUT OF 10 TEENS HAS BEEN HIT, SLAPPED OR IN SOME OTHER WAY HURT AT THE HANDS OF A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s, THE RATE IS MUCH HIGHER.

IN THIS PODCAST, WE’RE GOING TO HEAR FROM TWO YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ABUSED – AND WHOSE ABUSE WAS IGNORED BY FRIENDS AND ADULTS WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

FIRST, WE’LL HEAR SARAH’S STORY.

SARAH: I met him at the back-to-school dance at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school. And at first, everything was great— just the typical perfect romance that I had always wanted, that you see in movies. He wanted to spend a lot of time with me; we got to know each other really well, and had a good time together. But soon he always had to be with me, and always had to know where I was and who I was with, and really kind of took over my life.

LAURA: HER BOYFRIEND’S ATTENTION STARTED TO FEEL ISOLATING AND CONTROLLING. THEN ONE DAY AT SCHOOL, HE GOT PHYSICAL.

SARAH: He threw me up against the locker and told me I would never be able to hide from him, so I shouldn’t even try. I was scared and tried to run to class, but he followed me and slammed me into the classroom door. My Spanish teacher pretended like she didn’t know what happened and just ignored everything. So I didn’t know if I should do anything, and how I should react to it.

LAURA: ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, SARAH’S BOYFRIEND PUSHED HER AROUND WITHIN PLAIN VIEW OF TEACHERS AT SCHOOL. BUT THE HIGH SCHOOL, SHE SAYS, DID NOTHING. THE ABUSE BEGAN TO ESCALATE, UNTIL ONE NIGHT, AT A PARTY, SARAH’S BOYFRIEND KICKED HER SO HARD SHE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

SARAH: He hit me so hard that I was knocked unconscious. I have six hours missing from my memory that night. Everyone told me that I was convulsing and shaking, but no one called the police because there were drugs and alcohol at the party, and no one wanted to get in trouble. They put an ice pack on my stomach because I had a footprint, but let me lie there.

These people clearly were not my friends. So I called one of the guys on my crew team, and he came and picked me up and took me home. And the minute I got there I told my parents everything. And we called the police; they came over and took pictures. So, the police went over to his house a couple hours later and took him to juvenile hall.

LAURA: SARAH, WHO SUFFERED A CONCUSSION AND BRUISED RIBS, THOUGHT SHE HAD DONE THE RIGHT THING BY INFORMING THE AUTHORITIES. HER CLASSMATES, HOWEVER, DIDN’T SEE IT THAT WAY.

SARAH: That next Monday morning, I was ostracized. I was trying to protect myself and called the police, and I was hated by everyone who I thought were my friends and even people I didn’t know. My house got egged four weekends in a row. And his best friend came up to me and threatened my life. I dropped out of my high school and never went back.

LAURA: SARAH TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER HIGH SCHOOL. BUT SHE WAS NEVER ABLE TO CONFRONT HER FORMER CLASSMATES OR TEACHERS.
A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER THE INCIDENT, SHE RAN INTO HER OLD ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL.

SARAH: I was at Costco and saw the assistant principal. And he was very apologetic for how everything happened that day, and throughout the relationship in letting me be ostracized and not doing anything about it. And that he had a mandatory training for all of his teachers to go through now so this would never happen again. So, I felt like I had made a difference because of this.

LAURA: Why do you think they didn’t want to acknowledge it at the time?

SARAH: It’s a very scary issue, and I don’t think my teachers knew how to handle it, and the simple way out was not to.

LAURA: OUR NEXT GUEST TELLS US WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN VIOLENCE IN TEENAGE YEARS IS NOT STOPPED. CHRISTINA, LIKE SARAH, WAS 15 WHEN SHE MET THE YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD BECOME HER ABUSER. IT TOOK HER SIX YEARS TO LEAVE THAT BOYFRIEND— AND SEVERAL MORE YEARS WITH OTHER VIOLENT BOYFRIENDS—BEFORE SHE WAS ABLE TO WALK AWAY FROM IT ALL, FOR GOOD.

Christina: The first time he was violent, probably when I was like, seventeen, we were arguing in the car, and he actually threw his cell phone at my face. And my lip busted open; I was driving. I had to pull over. I ended up having to get four stitches on my lip; I still have the scar. I think that was the first time, and it was really weird because I felt more bad for him, because I felt like he didn’t mean to do it.

Laura: Was there anyone in school, like your teacher or a best friend, who picked up on what was going on, and said hey, what can I do to help?

Christina: No, because I usually would put ice packs on it, and just deal with the situation right away. And during this period I lost all my friends, because he was so controlling and never really wanted me to go anywhere. All I had really was just him.

LAURA: ONE DAY, CHRISTINA AND HER BOYFRIEND GOT PULLED OVER. HE HANDED HER SOME CRACK COCAINE AND TOLD HER TO HOLD IT FOR HIM. SHE DID – AND ENDED UP SERVING A TWO-YEAR PRISON TERM.

Laura: How did you feel about that finally, after you got in there? Did you think you were stupid to take the rap for him, or were you still being loyal to him?

Christina: I realized that I was stupid, but I didn’t have really a choice by then. It was one of them situations where I was ready to go to jail. I just wanted to get away. I’d come home and the whole house would be pitch black, and I just knew something would be wrong and I’d almost get to the light and he would attack me until I was on the ground, and just start stomping on me. So prison was like a, in a weird way, like a safe house. And that’s really sad to say that it was my safe house when I got locked up.

LAURA: ONE REASON SOME VICTIMS TOLERATE DATING VIOLENCE IS THAT THEY GROW UP IN A HOME WHERE HITTING OR PUNCHING SEEM….WELL, ALMOST NORMAL. THIS ATTITUDE OF, “IT’S NO BIG DEAL,” MAY ALSO BE SHARED BY THE BYSTANDERS WHO, IN CHRISTINA’S CASE, INCLUDED HER FAMILY.

Christina: I was raised in an abusive home. My mother lived with an alcoholic. There was times when she would lock us all in one room and barricade the door, and you’d wake up in the middle of the night with him just pounding on the door before we had to go to school. And you’d just be looking at my mom, and she would just be sitting there. It became normal to me. Like, that’s what we dealt with. Men hit women, and you just deal with it. You’re the stronger person if you can just deal with it. In probably a lot of kids’ eyes right now, it’s normal to them too. The young girls that are dealing with the same things that I’m dealing with—they were probably raised up in this, so it’s normal to them. A man, in a weird way, was like the guy who beat you up when he was mad and loved you when he was sad. I don’t know if that makes sense. It doesn’t make sense still.

LAURA: TODAY, CHRISTINA IS ENROLLED IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE. THANKS TO A CRIMINOLOGY COURSE, SHE IS BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND WHY SHE – AND SO MANY PEOPLE SHE KNOWS—SUFFER RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE. SHE’S ALSO ORGANIZED A WORKSHOP ON DATING VIOLENCE FOR TEENAGE GIRLS.

Christina: Me, being in such a dysfunctional home, I have such a passion to help those kids out who just needed that conversation. I go to the juvenile center and everybody’s always telling them kids that they’re wrong, they’re going to end up going to prison. But when you have that one on one, they have so many other issues going on at home that it’s making them run away, and making them fight, and it’s making them go do drugs. They are trying to escape something, like I was always trying to escape. My choice of drug was relationships. I always got into the worst of relationships. I didn’t need to go to jail, I needed help. I needed someone to help me; talk to me. Tell me why I was doing what I was doing and I wasn’t the only person. To the extent of what I’ve dealt with in my life, if I could tell somebody about my story to help them with theirs, that’s what I’m all about now.

LAURA: EXPERTS SAY THAT VIOLENT EPISODES WILL NOT DECLINE UNTIL THOSE WHO SUSPECT ABUSE, SPEAK UP.

OUR FINAL GUEST, CANDICE LOPEZ, IS ONE OF THOSE EXPERTS. SHE’S THE EDUCATION AND OUTREACH DIRECTOR AT AN ORGANIZATION CALLED “DOORWAYS FOR WOMEN AND FAMILIES,” AND SHE WORKS ON SOMETHING CALLED, “THE RED FLAG CAMPAIGN.”

THE CAMPAIGN TEACHES STUDENTS ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES HOW TO IDENTIFY THE RED FLAGS THAT MAY INDICATE A DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIP.

Candice: We do have a stigma about dating and domestic violence— that it’s a relationship problem, and they just need to figure it out. So it keeps people from intervening. The other thing is that people just don’t know what to do sometimes, especially if you witness a violent incident. Sometimes people just don’t have the tools and the knowledge of what they do to safely intervene and help out. But what we know is that violence affects a community and it impacts all of us.

LAURA: THOSE OF US WHO WANT TO HELP SOMETIMES CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY A PERSON WE CARE ABOUT WOULD STAY WITH AN ABUSER.

Candice: From the bystander perspective, it’s very easy sometimes to see that a relationship is unhealthy. But when you’re in it, you don’t see that. You see the good things and you tend to minimize the bad things. And a lot of abuse starts off as emotional. It starts out as isolation. You know, for teens, you might here somebody say, “They call me all the time. They text me. They want to know where I am. They care about me.” We associate those behaviors with caring. So survivors really do believe and love and trust this person. And also maybe they don’t want to feel that they had bad judgment. Because to admit that you’re in a violent relationship, you do have to admit that to some degree that you fell for this person, you liked this person.

And a lot of people may not leave when they first have someone reach out to them. But you don’t want to cut them off or make them feel like they’re stupid for staying in a relationship that you might be able to tell is unhealthy. It’s part of the process of getting out of a violent relationship—realizing that yourself, but having the support system to help you do that.

LAURA: THE STORIES OF SARAH AND CHRISTINA REMIND US OF TWO THINGS: IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS TURNED VIOLENT – OR THREATENS TO – THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO. AND IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE BEING ABUSED, REACH OUT TO THAT PERSON, REPEATEDLY, IF NECESSARY. GET THEM SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I’M LAURA SESSIONS STEPP AND THIS IS SEX REALLY. VISIT OUR WEBSITE FOR OTHER RESOURCES ON DATING VIOLENCE.

AND TUNE IN AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS WHEN AUTHOR HANNAH SELIGSON TALKS ABOUT HER BOOK, “A LITTLE BIT MARRIED.”