June 18th 2010

Who Says Colleges Don’t Care What Happens After Graduation?

The other day I got a call from Miss Sassy Pants. She was mad as hell.

Miss Sassy Pants: “My college sent me a survey.”

Me: “Oh, I usually just delete those. What’s the big deal?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “I don’t even know where to start. I’m sending the survey to you.”

Me: “Will I be able to open it?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “Not only can you open it, you can see my answers!”

Me: “Just don’t fill it out.”

Miss Sassy Pants: “Oh, no. I’m going to fill it out and make them regret the day they sent it to me.”

The survey was administered by the Office of Institutional Research at her college, a conservative school in the Midwest.

I clicked on the link and read, "Please fill out the linked survey, which will help us understand how you and others are coping with the post-college world.".

To my surprise, I could indeed see her answers. As I scrolled down the page, I started to understand her outrage.

Me: “‘In the last year have you had unprotected sex?’ Are you kidding me? Why would they ask you that? Why would they think you would tell them that!?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “See, I’m not overreacting. They have lost their minds.”

Me: “What question are you on? I want to follow along! It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure: The Inappropriate Question Brigade.”

Miss Sassy Pants: “The one that asks ‘In the last year have you had sexual problems?’ Apparently, that is vital information for my alumni record.”

Me: “How much would I have to pay you to answer yes?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “Don’t tempt me.”

Me: “Look at the last question on the page! ‘In the last year have you experienced a decrease in sexual appetite? Are they going to use this information to blackmail you into a donation?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “It would be a good fundraising tactic.”

Me: “Walk away . . . WALK AWAY.”

Miss Sassy Pants: “This is information I would give my doctor not my alma mater.”

These are just the crazy things people tell me.