August 27th 2009

Just How Disposable Are We?

In the above clip from Sex and the City, Samantha defines a good relationship--quite concisely--as one that makes you smile and look fabulous. Most of us would agree that we expect our romantic relationships to make us happy more than they make us sad, but it's not always easy in the midst of a low moment to know how much less-than-perfect-ness to tolerate before getting out.

In another Sex and the City episode (yes, SATC is my primary popular culture reference--don't judge me), Carrie worries that a rave review of her newly published book accuses her of portraying men as "disposable." I have to say, based on experience and observation, if Carrie treated her lovers and boyfriends as disposable, she isn't alone. In modern, "Western" culture, men and women alike have a great deal of freedom when it comes to cultivating, defining, and managing their romantic relationships. This is unequivocally a GOOD thing. But it can potentially mean, by certain definitions, we're all disposable at one point or another.

Maybe it's a more honest way of approaching relationships. Men and women alike have abandoned their spouses after decades of marriage, and who's to say that's not preferable to staying in an unhappy union, anyway? In less committed relationships, why shouldn't we keep an eye out for "red flags" and be prepared to get out sooner rather than later if future prospects aren't looking promising? As my high school English teacher used to tell us, "We're all responsible for our own ship," and what better way to learn to understand that than by maneuvering a varied series of relationships, surviving, thriving, and reaffirming our independence all the while?

On the one hand, as described in the podcast "When to Say When," it can be all too easy sometimes to stay in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship because of fear or inertia. If we're all responsible for our own ship, there's no reason for us to depend on someone else for our happiness--we are responsible for seeking it and for changing our situation if we're not happy. In some cases, the only way to change your situation might be to end your involvement with someone who's not meeting your needs (emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc) and doesn't want to change.

On the other hand, in some cases ending a relationship because it's not 100% blissful all the time might be throwing out the baby with the bath water. Everyone has ups and downs and in a long term relationship of any sort both people are bound to change over time. Although young people in the US today are getting married later than previous generations, still a recent study sponsored by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center found that 82% of us plan to get married and stay married for life. No one's perfect and relationships require work. (I'll never forget the incredible scene in High Fidelity when John Cusack's character realizes that his unwillingness to commit to his lovely, long-term girlfriend stems from a recurring fantasy involving "cute problems" and sexy lingerie.) If we really want to have a committed, lasting relationship, sooner or later we're going to have to choose someone with whom to make it work even when times are tough.

So how do we know whether, or when, to give up on a relationship and move on? Is it intuition, or advice from external influences (some more objective than others) like family, friends, or online forums?

Ultimately we all have to make our own rules for these important decisions--so what are yours?