July 6th 2009

Fathers..."Kind of" Important?

Early in my reporting for the story “Family Man,” which ran in yesterday’s Washington Post Magazine, I realized this: Despite all that social science is teaching us about the increasing involvement of young fathers, people of all ages still tend to think of pregnancy, childbirth and even child raising, as female matters. (For a surprising and rather humorous angle on father-involvement, click here).

Moreover, this way of thinking starts long before a baby is born. It says that a female of childbearing age is totally responsible for not getting pregnant. It is up to her to acquire, pay for and diligently use birth control. If her partner offers to share costs, that’s considered “nice,” not necessary.

How can one argue against this? It is the woman’s body, after all, that is jeopardized should she become pregnant. In this sense, the final decision about contraception – just like the final decision about abortion – must rest with her.

But does that mean she shouldn’t involve her partner in the conversation? If two-way communication between partners doesn’t happen, the result can be a child born to a couple who may be ill-prepared for parenthood.

That was the case for the couple I wrote about. Bobby Krotendorfer was 19 and the primary caregiver for his 18-month-old son and his girlfriend’s other two children, 3- and 5-year-old girls. Early on, I asked him if he and his girlfriend Lori had planned to have his son, Junior.

Lori had told me earlier that Junior was “planned.” Bobby’s memory was different.

He said he and Lori had talked about having a kid some day, but not immediately. He had been vaguely aware that Lori didn’t like taking the birth control pill but didn’t know for sure that she had stopped. They were using condoms with sex, he said, and maybe a condom slipped the night Junior was conceived. Or, given the newness of their relationship, he couldn’t rule out the possibility that another man might be the father.

Once Junior was born, his resemblance to Bobby was so strong no one could doubt who the daddy was. And as it turned out, Bobby discovered he liked being a father and is pretty good at it. But what if he hadn’t taken to being a parent? How would he have felt about the baby then, or about his responsibility for it?

Condom use has increased among young men like Bobby. That’s a good thing. But the easy availability, low cost, and improved effectiveness of condoms has, I fear, obscured the need for conversations between partners about using another form of birth control in case the condom breaks or slips. If these conversations aren’t happening (and research tells us they’re not, in any convincing number), I wonder what that portends for the fathers of children who were “mistakes.” Does it simply add to their feeling of being – to put it bluntly – an afterthought? Does it make them feel less accountable to the child? If so – even a little bit – what does that mean for the wellbeing of their children?

Early in my reporting, I was standing in a Domino’s pizza store with Bobby, waiting for takeout. Bobby said that when a social worker first contacted him about being the subject of my story, “I wondered why anyone would want to write about fathers.

“And then I thought, ‘I guess fathers are kind of important.’”

Kind of?