May 14th 2010

Drunk Girl: All-time Worst Battle Buddy Ever

I think we should take a break. It’s not you, it’s me...

Not really, I’m just leaving the country for a couple weeks. So tune back in in June. And in the meantime, May's last crazy story...

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The other night Sunshine Girl and I were having drinks when she received a text message from Platoon Leader that said “I lost Drunk Girl again. I hate being her battle buddy.”

Note: When a large group of girls goes out to a bar, everyone picks a battle buddy to ensure no one gets left behind when the group moves and/ or everyone has a traveling companion should they choose to leave early.

Sunshine Girl: “This is not good.”

Me: “Oh, do you have a defector?”

Sunshine Girl: “She doesn’t have the best track record.”

This wasn’t the first time Drunk Girl had evaded a battle buddy:

One night Sunshine Girl went out with some friends. The night started off well. They drank, they laughed, they danced, and they got hit on by cute guys. Everything was going well, until they decided to bar hop.

Most of them were holding their booze pretty well, but one member of the group was obviously trashed. Let’s call her Drunk Girl. Sunshine Girl was Drunk Girl’s battle buddy and was having a hard time keeping track of her. Later, Platoon Leader spotted Drunk Girl near the bar, clearly in the process of making some bad decisions with a bearded fellow.

Closing time came faster than expected, and when it was time to go, Drunk Girl was nowhere to be found. They searched everywhere: cars, alleys, empty clubs. She had left her cell phone with Platoon Leader, so there was no way to call her. Everyone in the group was nervous about leaving a woman behind. They looked for over an hour and then decided there was nothing they could do but go home and hope she turned up.

It turns out that Drunk Girl had gone with the bearded guy from the bar to his car where they fooled around...but she refused to sleep with him because he didn't have a condom. A quick stop at the drug store and they ended up at a hotel. Drunk Girl couldn’t remember much of the evening, but she did remember finding her bra stuffed behind a headboard and her underwear--well, nowhere to be found, actually. She showed up at her house the next morning.

Sunshine Girl: “Where the hell have you been?”

Drunk Girl: “I left with that guy. Didn’t I tell you?”

Sunshine Girl: “No! Don’t ever leave without telling me where you are going. I’m your battle buddy! If you leave the bar with some random dude you have to tell me. I was worried sick.”

Drunk Girl: “Sorry.”

Sunshine Girl “Are you alright?”

Drunk Girl: “Yes.”

Drunk Girl couldn't remember exactly what happened. But the lack of undergarments gave her some important clues as to the events of the evening, so she took another trip the drug store to get Plan B. Better safe than sorry.

Me: “That’s why you should keep your friends close and your battle buddies closer.”

These are just the crazy stories people tell me.