February 22nd 2010 
Dating Violence: Not Just “Their” Problem
Last week, the University of Oregon’s highly-touted running back, LaMichael James, was charged with strangling, assaulting and harassing his girlfriend.
Misdemeanor charges.
That’s all?
Pushed her down in a public parking lot.
Didn’t anyone see it?
We don’t know. Because from what I can tell from news clips and blogs, no reporter asked.
James’ arrest is the latest example of what SexReally’s latest podcast, Confronting Dating Violence, reminds us: The incidence of assaults on intimate partners is rarely taken as seriously as it should be. And despite various educational campaigns encouraging witnesses to intervene, most people still see relationship abuse as the couple’s problem, not theirs.
Linda Dunphy, executive director of an Arlington, VA, organization called Doorways for Women and Families, wrote in The Washington Post late last year that calls to her office concerning domestic violence had jumped 56 percent from the year before. Some of the situations might have been prevented, she said, had a neighbor, friend, or family member offered help in some fashion.
“It is not uncommon for bystanders to ignore violence right in front of them,” Dunphy wrote. “A young Northern Virginia couple recently told us about seeing a man hitting a woman outside their apartment. (The couple) observed it from their window, and even discussed what to do. Ultimately, she was too scared to intervene, and he didn’t believe it was his place.”
Dating violence happens to about one in 10 students in high school and three times that many students in college. Recent funding efforts are beginning to catch up to both the numbers and the need to educate bystanders.
In Virginia, several colleges and organizations including Doorways have created a program called "The Red Flag Campaign" to help students recognize dating violence and know how to intervene. In her Post article, Dunphy gave several tips:
- “As a witness, it is important to remember that you may be in a stronger position to take action than the victim is. You are not under the control of the abuser, so you are in a position to step in and speak up. In a situation involving strangers, examine your own safety first. If it is safe to intervene, do it. If not, find a safe space and call the police.
If the victim is someone you know, you can express your concern. Tell her that you notice the violence, and that it's not okay. Be prepared for her to deny the problem or be reluctant to leave the situation. But by having the conversation, you are planting a seed. She will know you are there when she's ready to act.”
Some early signs of violence are not as easy to detect as they once were because new technology allows abuse to flourish in the shadows. Cell phones enable a jealous man or woman to call or text a partner dozens of times a day. He or she might pick up the partner’s phone to see who else has been in touch, or get hold of the partner’s password in order to snoop around facebook or another social network.
Many such stalkers end up assaulting those they stalk. According to the U.S. Justice Department, 80 percent of women stalked were assaulted by their current or former partner; more than 30 percent were also sexually assaulted by that partner.
The Justice Department and the U.S. Department of Education recently awarded grants to colleges to develop and run bystander intervention efforts. One such award, to Clark University in Worcester, MA, was announced in early February – only months after two young women associated with nearby Fitchburg State College were killed by men they were dating.
For more information on dating violence and what witnesses can do about it, go to:
Family Violence Prevention Fund -- www.endabuse.org and www.thatsnotcool.com
Break the Cycle: Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violence -- www.breakthecycle.org
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline -- www.loveisrespect.org
Liz Claiborne, Inc. -- www.loveisnotabuse.com
Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance -- www.theredflagcampaign.org
What Others Have Said...
K.K. says:
First off, if we're going to name names, let's also mention the late football player (Mr. McNair) who was SHOT TO DEATH by his girlfriend. SEXREALLY is getting a bit boring (and biased) with its "Men did this, men did that" tone.
Secondly, violence is violence and is only acceptable in self defense (or war, if you believe in that). There should be no such thing as 'dating violence', because the occurrence of violence on any date should automatically stop any more dates with the violent individual.
Here are a few pointers to make dating safer:
1. Double-date. the presence of another couple not only makes dates more social and fun, it increases safety for everyone.
2. On your first date, opt for a public area, and let a friend know where you're going and when you think you'll be back. Also, bring your own transportation (or at least bus/cab fare).
3. (For men): Don't buy a girl more than two alcoholic beverages, if any. Drunk women are 'fun' for five minutes, then they're more dangerous than hand grenades.
4. (For girls): If you're not passionately 'into' a man, or if you want to take things slow, DON'T LET HIM PAY YOUR WAY. Pay for your half of everything. That way neither of you can feel you're 'owed' anything.
5. Unless you're 'Poly And Proud' (and your date knows that in advance), don't flirt with other members of the opposite sex when on a date.
6. Visit www.rockherworld.net for more.
Have fun/be safe, KK
3.
Lena says:
When it comes to dating/domestic violence, I think it's also really important to break down the norms and stigmas that prevent male victims from reporting abusers or from even identifying certain behaviors (like emotional abuse) as a form of violence. The gendered way people continue to think of "abusers" and "victims" just demonstrates how much further there is to go. Women may be more likely to be physically and emotionally assaulted by their partners, but in order to reach productive solutions, we have to especially think about how to empower those who aren't typically thought of as being on the receiving end of abuse. Because in the end, these norms hurt everyone.
What Do You Think?