February 24th 2010

Circle Circle, Dot Dot – Cooties, Gender, and Building Better Relationships

Think back to kindergarten. How did girls and boys relate? My own experience is that, overall, us boys got along pretty well with the girls in our classes. The only memorable rift between girls and boys at that age was the dreaded, omnipresent threat of “cooties” - a mythical condition transmitted across genders via touch, but easily cured by tracing two circles and two dots on the forearm of the infected individual (a “cootie-shot” for those of you not familiar with this epidemic). Cooties were basically a way to upgrade games of tag with a richer, zanier context of infectious disease. Cooties were also understood by both boys and girls to be a fantasy – something we created to make recess a bit more interesting. And once this “outbreak” narrative became passé, we left it behind save for the occasional joke.

Skip forward to high school. How do girls and boys relate at age 16? I’d venture to say that relations are not quite as light-hearted and playful between 16-year-old boys and girls. According to research published recently by Child Trends, there seems to be an unfortunate amount of cross-gender conflict brewing during those teenage years:

“You say you love them, but you don’t really mean it.” – 15-17-year-old boy

“Now a girl might say, ‘Oh that’s my boo.’ [Which means] that’s her own person. But if you think like a dude, he’s gonna be like, ‘That’s my boo,’ but then he’s got other 'boo's' around.” – 15-17-year-old girl

What happens in the years between 6 and 16 to turn boys and girls into adversaries? The answers to that question are too varied and numerous to explore in any great detail here, but one of the most basic explanations lies in the gender-specific messages and expectations regarding love, relationships, and sex, that set the “battle of the sexes” into motion. Boys “win” the battle (read: gain approval and status) by being heartbreakers, pimps, and players, while girls “win” the battle by obtaining exclusive rights to a boy with a high degree of status. Or, viewed more starkly, each tries to best the other by lying, behaving coldly, and manipulating or coercing dating partners for selfish “gain”.

This teenaged version of “boys versus girls” can be perpetuated by parents, coaches, and influential media and ultimately becomes self-reinforcing amongst peers. It feeds a wide range of negative outcomes including dating violence, unwanted pregnancy, and unnecessary emotional turmoil. Too much pain is caused by boys disrespecting and/or controlling girls to gain status amongst their peers and coaches, or girls manipulating boys to retain the approval of their friends and parents.

To an uncritical eye, the battle of the sexes might seem inevitable. Natural. The way it’s always been. But it’s as invented as cooties. When I’ve worked with teenagers, I’ve found that those who are the happiest – both boys and girls, in the context of intimate relationships or not – are those who’ve chosen to opt out of, or find ways around, these adversarial gender roles. So in addition to teaching young people the skills needed to avoid unhealthy relationships and develop healthy romantic relationships, we also need to be aware of how our culture pits boys and girls against one another. It is incumbent that our society provide young people with the permission, opportunities, and skills to unplug from this adversarial gender dynamic.

How do we do this? Schools could infuse their curricula with more information about how we define gender and how gender operates in our society (particularly regarding intimate relationships and sexuality). In our everyday lives, we could all be more aware of the influence and rigidity of gender roles, and supportive of a wider range of expression. We should support boys who resolve disagreements through cooperation rather than domination or callousness, and encourage assertive girls who define their worth for themselves and set goals unrelated to “getting” a certain type of boy. This prescription is far more complicated than “circle-circle, dot-dot,” but the incredibly high stakes demand that we get it right.

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Brad Perry, MA, works at the Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance (VSDVAA) as statewide Sexual Violence Prevention Coordinator. He provides training and technical assistance to primary prevention initiatives throughout Virginia and collaborates with the Division of Violence Prevention at the CDC to build capacity for primary sexual violence prevention on a national level. Outside of VSDVAA, he has authored articles published in Yes Means Yes! (Seal Press), The Prevention Researcher, Violence Against Women (Sage Publications), and XYonline. In his spare time, Brad plays drums in a touring punk band, and spends time in beautiful downtown Charlottesville, VA.