October 2nd 2009

Blue-eyed Girl to Surfer Dude: “Damn straight it’s you.”

The other night I was talking to Blue-eyed Girl and she reminded me of a concept that I have tried very hard to forget. . . non-dating break-ups.

Blue-eyed Girl: “Remember that time Surfer Dude called to break-up with me and we weren’t even dating?”

Me: “Umm. . . .YES, didn’t his girlfriend call you or something?” I start to giggle.

Blue-eyed Girl: “Yeah, or something.”

The story goes like this. Blue-eyed Girl and Surfer Dude met in college while on vacation. They hung out during the vacation and ended up having sex. They didn’t live near each other so nothing much came of it, but they kept in touch. Over the next several years they would see each other every so often and, if they weren’t dating anyone, have sex. I called this “the one night stand that never ended.” I don’t think Blue-eyed Girl was too keen on that description.

When Blue-eyed Girl got a call that Surfer Dude was coming to town and wanted to see her, she didn’t think much of it. The rules had already been established: If you’re dating someone, we don’t have sex -- no hard feelings. Blue-eyed Girl wasn’t dating anyone, so when Surfer Dude came to town they went out to dinner, saw a movie, and returned to her place to have sex. The next day he left to go back from whence he came and that should have been the end of it. . .but it was not.

Turns out Surfer Dude had a girlfriend, a major violation of the casual sex treaty.

Apparently, when Surfer Dude got back from his trip he broke up with Girlfriend citing “It’s just not good timing.” She immediately became suspicious and started looking through his “recent calls” on his cell phone and saw he had called a random number several times on his trip, which, of course,  belonged to Blue-eyed Girl. Not leaving well-enough (or dignity) alone, (ex-)Girlfriend proceeded to call Blue-eyed Girl repeatedly and not leave a message. When Blue-eyed Girl got off work and saw that she had 20 missed calls from someone she didn’t know, she immediately thought “Something really bad has happened to one my friends” and called the number right back.

The conversation when like this:

Blue-eyed Girl: “Hi I have a lot of missed calls from this number. Are you trying to get ahold of me?”

Girlfriend: “Is there something going on with you and Surfer Dude?”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Excuse me? Who is this?”

Girlfriend: “This is his girlfriend. Are you sleeping with my boyfriend?”

Blue-eyed Girl tried not to panic but her mind was racing. Girlfriend? What girlfriend? HE DIDN’T SAY ANTHING ABOUT A GIRLFRIEND! She finally managed to squeak out, “Look I don’t know who you are, but if you have an issue with Surfer Dude you should talk to him.”

Girlfriend: “Stay away from my boyfriend or I will CUT you.” And then she hung up the phone.

Blue-eyed Girl was furious. A) He had violated the treaty, and B) she had just been psycho-dialed and yelled at by some chick she didn’t know. She decided to wait a couple of days to cool off and then call Surfer Dude. But, not 24 hours later, he called her.

Surfer Dude: “Uh, hi.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “That’s all you got? I got yelled at by your girlfriend!”

Surfer Dude: “Sorry about that. I should have told you I had a girlfriend.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Yeah, jackass.”

Surfer Dude: “So listen, I broke up with my girlfriend because I figured if I wanted to have sex with someone else, I didn’t really like her.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Your self-reflection is riveting.”

Surfer Dude: “I think we should take a break for a while. I mean, you are a great girl and I really like you, and we have fun, it just isn’t working. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Damn straight it’s you.” And then she hung up the phone.

She immediately called me to give me the play-by-play of their phone call. After she finished recounting every word that was exchanged, she said “He gave me the break-up talk and we weren’t even dating! He actually said ‘It’s not you it’s me!’ Welcome to my awkward life.”

Me: “So let’s recap: you accidently had sex with someone’s boyfriend, his newly ex-girlfriend called and threatened to shank you, and then he called to have the break-up talk even though you aren’t dating.”

And then there was hysterical, cackling, snort-ridden, tears-streaming-down-our-faces laughter. Because what else is there to do but laugh?

These are just the crazy things people tell me.