October 9th 2009

Baltimore, Just What the Doctor Ordered

Last Sunday I was at brunch with Anxious Girl and Miss Optimism. I had barely lifted my fork from my plate of eggs when Anxious Girl blurted out “Miss Optimism has a great story for your blog!” Confession: I love learning what other people consider “crazy blog worthy” stories. It’s a small glimpse at their funny barometer.

Me: “I’m all ears.”

Miss Optimism: “Okay, it’s about my recent trip to the lady doctor.”

Me: “This is gonna’ be good.”

Miss Optimism: “Well you have to know the back-story. I hate going to the lady doctor but when I was in high school my friend lectured me, ‘if you can spread your legs for a guy, you can spread them for a doctor.’ I hated to admit it, but she had a point. So, at sixteen, I went to my small-town nurse practitioner and spread my legs so that I could - subsequently - spread my legs for my boyfriend.”

Me: “That was pretty sage advice for one sixteen-year-old to give to another. Sounds like me at sixteen.”

Miss Optimism: “ I'm glad I listened to my friend and made such a responsible decision at such a young age, but - to this day - I resent that in order to get birth control I must submit to a poking, prodding, pelvic exam once a year... every, stinkin' year! Seriously, why can't you get birth control over-the-counter? I hope there’s a good reason. Really, I do... but I digress.”

This is the story Miss Optimism told.

Doctor: “You're going to feel some pressure, but this will be over in a minute. Well, everything looks great down here. You can have babies anytime you want!”

Miss Optimism’s inner monologue: Considering I'm only here because they won't give me any more birth control, I'm definitely not thinking about making any babies. But, the doctor's matter-of-fact pronouncement regarding my fertility makes me smile in a ‘yes! my-reproductive-organs-kick-ass’ sort of way; I do want to have children... someday.

Per the norm, before the exam began, the doctor asked the usual questions:

Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"

Miss Optimism: “Yes.”

Miss Optimism answered yes, because she’d had sex and planned on having more. And, generally speaking, she liked to think of herself as leading an active life. It didn't occur to her to label herself as sexually inactive just because she wasn't having sex that particular day...week...or, um, month...

Anyway...Miss Optimism recommends this particular DC doc to a lot of her girlfriends, and a few days after her exam she got a call from Cautious Girl.

Cautious Girl: “I looooove your doctor. Love her!”

Miss Optimism: “Yeah, she is great. Really direct, which I think is a bit much for some people, but I like it.”

Cautious Girl: “She's awesome. She said I had a nice cervix [unrelated, but exciting nonetheless], and guess what she prescribed for me?”

Miss Optimism: “What?”

Cautious Girl: “A trip to Baltimore!”

Miss Optimism: “I thought you were getting back on birth control?”

Cautious Girl: “Oh, I did. But get this...when she asked me if I was sexually active I said ‘No’ and the doctor said, ‘of course not! You live in DC. The ratio of girls to guys in this town is 9:1, and - if you factor out the fabulous gay men - it's more like 14:1. So, you know what I'm prescribing for your lack of sex? Baltimore. A trip to Baltimore.’ So, when are we going to Baltimore?”

Miss Optimism: “That is hilarious! Um... this weekend?”

Cut back to our brunch table.

Miss Optimism: “We haven't gotten around to going to Baltimore yet, but I've thought a lot about the prescription. First, I have to say, if there is really a 9:1 ratio of women to men in the District then I'm leaving town... now.”

Me: “I hear Alaska is beautiful this time of year.”

Miss Optimism : “Moving on from that awful thought with quickness... what is really interesting is Cautious Girl’s answer to the Doctor's, ‘are you sexually active?’ question. Now, I don't keep up with her every tryst and I certainly don't know the exact number of guys she has slept with, but I can say with some certainty that - with respect to frequency - we're at least in the same ballpark. Actually, I know (or at least I think I know) the last time she ‘did it,’ and it was less than a year ago... way less than a year ago. So, the fact that I said ‘yes’ and she said ‘no’ to the same question is puzzling. What is the correct answer to that question? Does it mean you had sex in the last week? You expect to be getting some the next day? Does it only apply to intercourse, or would the ‘I stop at third’ crowd be considered sexually active? Next time I go in to see my oh-so-direct lady doctor (which, thanks to the Powers That Be, will be in less than a year), I'm going to ask her to medically quantify ‘sexually active’. If she deems my frequency less active or, God forbid, inactive, I'm going to need to see a specialist... in Baltimore... right away.”

Anxious Girl: “See, I told you it was good.”

Me: “That takes ‘Baltimore, get in on it’ to a whole new level.”

And then we toasted to the Great State of Maryland.

These are just the crazy things people tell me.