March 5th 2010

Please Mind the Birth Control Gap

The other day I got a call from Blue-eyed Girl.

Blue-eyed Girl: “My doctor just shamed me.”

Me: “Did you deserve it?”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Oh, I forgot I was talking to the Patron Saint of Tough Love.”

Me: “So that’s a yes.”

Story goes like this: Blue-eyed Girl had recently switched her birth control and had never gotten around to filling her new prescription. So she and G.I. Joe had condoms with them at all times. One night they went out drinking with friends and when they came home, discovered they didn’t have any left. However, being that they were both drunky pants, they decided it would be fine.

The next morning Blue-eyed Girl woke up and the previous night's events flashed before her like a movie. She immediately called her doctor’s office to get Plan B. Cut back to present day:

Me: “Why didn’t you just go to the drug store? If you're over 17 you can buy Plan B over the counter.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “I panicked! Are you really going to criticize where I got Plan B?”

Me: “Fair point.”

Back to the story:

Blue-eyed Girl is sitting in the exam room with her very witty and sarcastic doctor.

Blue-eyed Girl: “So I need Plan B . . . .”

Doctor: “So are you going to lie and say the condom broke or are you just going to fess up and tell me you had unprotected sex so I can give you an STD test?”

The Doctor gave Blue-eyed Girl the look her parents used to give her when they’d ask if she stayed out past curfew but already knew the answer was yes.

Blue-eyed Girl hung her head in shame. “Yes, I had unprotected sex,” she said sheepishly.

The Doctor: “And why are we not taking our new birth control?”

Blue-eyed Girl: “Because I haven’t filled the prescription.”

Then the Doctor got up, walked across the room, grabbed a handful of condoms and said “Wrap it before you tap it.”

Cut back to present day:

Me: “I like your doctor. He seems like a straight shooter.”

Blue-eyed Girl: “That’s because he is the male version of you.”

Me: “No, I would have said ‘Wrap it before you tap it, jackass.’”

These are just the crazy things people tell me.