February 5th 2010

What's a Girl Got to Do to Get Birth Control?

The other night I was having dinner with Polly Pocket.

Me: “Sorry I didn’t call you back last night. I was on my way to a birthday party.”

Polly Pocket: “No problem. I was just calling to vent anyway.”

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Polly Pocket: “I’m in a fight with the pharmacy and my lady doctor for holding my birth control hostage.”

“Have you called in the FBI negotiator?” I giggled.

Polly Pocket: “We are not in the joking place about this.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Okay, tell me what happened.”

The story goes like this:

About a month ago Polly Pocket asked her pharmacist when her birth control prescription would expire. Polly Pocket has one of those doctors with whom the earliest appointment is always in three months, no matter what your ailment. Being a responsible 20-something, she wanted to have an appointment well before her prescription expired. The pharmacist told her she had five months left on her prescription and sent her on her way.

Polly Pocket went back this week to get her birth control and things went horribly awry.

Polly Pocket: "I’m here to pick up my prescription."

Pharmacist: "Your prescription has expired."

Polly Pocket: "No it hasn’t. You told me last month that I had five months left."

Pharmacist: "According to our records your prescription expired last month."

"THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL INFORMATION LAST MONTH!" Polly Pocket screeched.

Pharmacist: "Ma’am there is no need to yell. Let’s call your doctor."

You don’t need the play by play, but the doctor, according to the appointment secretary, would not renew the prescription until Polly Pocket came in for an exam. Shocker: the earliest appointment they had available was in three months. Polly Pocket took a deep breath and asked the pharmacist if she could have the phone please to speak to the appointment secretary.

Polly Pocket: "If I make an appointment today can you give me a three-month sample to tide me over?"

Appointment Secretary: "No, the doctor said she can’t give you anything until you come in."

Polly Pocket: "You would rather I go off birth control for three months and rely solely on condoms than give me a freaking sample?"

Appointment Secretary: "It is not the doctor's fault you can’t manage your prescription."

And with that, Polly Pocket hung up the phone.

Cut back to the table.

Me: "You are right. So not in the joking place."

Polly Pocket: "There is a possibility that I heard the pharmacist wrong. But I swear to all that is holy he said five months."

Me: "I think it’s time to look for a new doctor."

Polly Pocket: "That is the understatement of the year."

I reached in my bag, pulled out two condoms, and said "don’t get knocked up."

These are just the crazy things people tell me.