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Stefanie's crazy stories

July 23rd 2010

Knock Knock - Commitment.

- Stefanie

The other day I was having drinks with Little Miss Witty. We were comparing moving stories. You know, how long it took to finish packing, who showed up to help move boxes...things of that nature. She won, hands down.

Little Miss Witty: “So Slacker Dude asked if he could come over and ‘help me pack.’ Which I was pretty sure was code for ‘let’s have sex.’ Turns out it was neither.”

Me: “What? Did he bail? Was ‘helping you pack’ too much commitment for him?”

Little Miss Witty smirked: “Well played.”

July 16th 2010

Anxious Girl Takes A Trip Down Memory Lane. . .

- Stefanie

The other day I got a call from Anxious Girl.

Anxious Girl: “Oh, do I have a story for you…”

Me: “About who?”

Anxious Girl: “Remember College Boy?”

Me: “You mean the guy you liked all the way through college, made out with senior year, and have had a simmering crush on ever since? That guy?”

Anxious Girl: “Did you write that down?”

Me: “Nah, I just remember stuff.”

Anxious Girl: “Well he came and visited last weekend.”

Me: “And. . . .?”

Anxious Girl took a deep breath.

Anxious Girl: “We made out and it was really bad. Like he-bruised-my-lip bad.”

Me: “ Go on…”

July 9th 2010

Miss Manners and Captain Courteous Go Halfsies

- Stefanie

The other night I met Miss Manners for happy hour. She was asking my advice on switching birth control methods. Don’t you talk about birth control in a crowded bar? I think the two dudes sitting next to us got a very useful refresher course in both manners and pregnancy prevention. You’re welcome.

Miss Manners: “I think I want to switch to a long –lasting method.”

Me: “That is a good idea. I know a couple people who have recently switched and they love it.”

Miss Manners: “Yes, I think it’s time. I’m tired of my method. Plus, Captain Courteous is going to pay for half.”

I look at Miss Manners amazed. I start to get a little choked up.

June 25th 2010

And We Will Call Her "Business Week"

- Stefanie

About two years ago I started getting text messages from Hippie Chick that said, “Knock, knock. . . .(insert name of person from high school you haven’t thought about for years).” I think this is one of the best introductions ever. Class Act and I have taken it upon ourselves to expand the game to include all types of things: Places, movie stars, inanimate objects. For example, “Knock, knock. . . Sizzler,” or “Knock, Knock Andrew Keegan.” Because when was the last time you saw a Sizzler or Andrew Keegan?!

Why on earth am I telling you this? Because there is no set-up to this story besides “Knock, Knock. . . Business Week.”

June 18th 2010

Who Says Colleges Don’t Care What Happens After Graduation?

- Stefanie

The other day I got a call from Miss Sassy Pants. She was mad as hell.

Miss Sassy Pants: “My college sent me a survey.”

Me: “Oh, I usually just delete those. What’s the big deal?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “I don’t even know where to start. I’m sending the survey to you.”

Me: “Will I be able to open it?”

Miss Sassy Pants: “Not only can you open it, you can see my answers!”

Me: “Just don’t fill it out.”

Miss Sassy Pants: “Oh, no. I’m going to fill it out and make them regret the day they sent it to me.”

June 11th 2010

Elephants, Birth Control, and Baboons: Things I Learned in South Africa

- Stefanie

I’m back! Let the crazy stories re-commence.

I was sitting in a lecture listening to some professor wax poetic about elephants. No joke. The rest of the class was taking copious notes. I was just short of drawing horses in my note book. I’m not the best graduate student.

So the professor is yammering on about elephants when he says, “Some wish to control the elephant population with birth control. Elephants can destroy the vegetation in an area if the population is not in check.” He now had my full attention.

I turned to Miss Happy Face and said “How do they get the elephants to take the birth control?”

May 14th 2010

Drunk Girl: All-time Worst Battle Buddy Ever

- Stefanie

I think we should take a break. It’s not you, it’s me...

Not really, I’m just leaving the country for a couple weeks. So tune back in in June. And in the meantime, May's last crazy story...

*****

The other night Sunshine Girl and I were having drinks when she received a text message from Platoon Leader that said “I lost Drunk Girl again. I hate being her battle buddy.”

Note: When a large group of girls goes out to a bar, everyone picks a battle buddy to ensure no one gets left behind when the group moves and/ or everyone has a traveling companion should they choose to leave early.

Sunshine Girl: “This is not good.”

Me: “Oh, do you have a defector?”

May 7th 2010

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: A Backwards Trilogy (Part 1)

- Stefanie

And now we are back to the beginning of the Dawson's Creek-esque drama that filled our lives for so long. This is the last installment of our Trilogy. Let's hope there won't need to be an epilogue. But you never know. . .

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: Why do you think we’re dating?

April 30th 2010

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: A Backwards Trilogy (Part 2)

- Stefanie

Previously on Adventures of a Perpetual Player, we learned that Perpetual can’t hold his booze and that he feels like he “Should have loved me better.” Now travel back in time with me to the year 2002.

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: I thought that’s what you wanted.

Living situations in college are weird. Some people live in dorms, some live off-campus with six people shoved into a two-bedroom apartment, and some lucky souls (me included) live all by themselves.

Sophomore year of college Perpetual Player, Miss Sarcasm, and Little Miss Tadpole lived in a huge group house with five other people. Miss Sarcasm and Little Miss Tadpole shared a room and also, apparently, shared Perpetual Player.

The story goes like this:

April 23rd 2010

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: A Backwards Trilogy (Part 3)

- Stefanie

Long ago, in a galaxy--I mean state--far, far away, there was a group of friends who met in college. And in that group of friends, there was a Perpetual Player (also affectionately known as Man Whore). The story of Perpetual Player takes place over four years and involves five different women, some of them at the same time. This story will be told in reverse--we will start in 2005 and travel back in time to the year 2001. We may need a flow chart.

Adventures of a Perpetual Player: I should have loved you better.